hello.
it has been good, but it surely hasn't been easy. everyday seems to be a challenge, another task to perform, another obligation to love. In these past month, i found myself to have become bitter and angry, allowing myself to have a pity party and distrust almost everything that God has placed in my life.

I won't say that i felt like a shit, but i know that i am not who i should be and am not choosing what is expected of me - i hated everything around me and everything about the things that were around me. i cringed in the sound of 'navy' and groaned whenever i saw the workmates that were around me. don't get me wrong, i don't hate them as a person, but just disliked the unfeeling military masks they carried on their faces, along with their golden sewn-on ranks.

still, i had to love them and i had to learn to love where i am. i really miss the freedom of the outside - the ability to swish in the air, scream, love who you love and avoid who you hate. life is easier when you do it your way. but life is short-lived when you walk with the freedom of self-satisfaction; a man who loves silver will never learn to be truly satisfied with what he has, and prisons himself with the eye that yearns as he overlooks that 'grass on the other side'.

you can have everything, but not truly be happy. you can be blessed but never be satisfied. and me? i feel i have almost nothing i like around me now (during weekdays only, if you catch my drift) and feel like a total clueless idiot all the time, but still love where i am.

its crazy i know. but... i did mention that everyday is a challenge for me.
i guess if you placed you own concerns aside, and stopped distracting yourself with all the unhappiness you are hearing in your head, maybe you can hear that still small voice of God and see that half glass full of liberty.

i'm not there yet.
but i'm still trying.

i love you.